Fear

Sometimes a song comes into my existence that will really make me think and really hit me to the core.  Recently I bought the OneRepublic CD titled “Waking Up”, I was listening to it the other day and got to one of the tracks called “Fear” and the words actually made me quite emotional.  Here are the words:

No sleep

Today
Cant even rest when the suns down
No time
Theres not enough
And nobodys watchin me now

When we were children we'd play
Out in the streets just dipped in fate
When we were children we'd say
That we don't the meaning of
Fear, fear, fear,
Fear, fear, fear
We dont know the meaning of..

When we were children we'd play
Out in the streets just dipped in fate
When we were children we'd say
That we don't the meaning of
Fear, fear, fear,
Fear, fear, fear
We don't know the meaning of..

Wish I
Didn't know the meaning of...

After playing it on repeat a couple more times (and still playing it on repeat every time I get in the car!), I started to think about the concept and meaning of “FEAR” to me. Its amazing how your fear changes when you're young and when you are older.  I’ve been thinking about the times I’ve experienced fear and how different the situations/experiences have been when I have felt fear. 

The time I have felt the most excruciating fear in my life was when Garrett went missing in the Uintahs.  Fear that he was hurt, fear that he was cold, fear that someone had taken him, and the biggest fear of all: that we wouldn’t find him and I would never see him on this earth again.  It was so much “fear” that it got our adrenaline pumping and we weren’t going to stop until we found him.  Eventually we just had to stop searching and the fear turned into grief.  It’s amazing how the Lord and the blessings of the gospel give you peace during that time of fear and grief.  Knowing I’ll be able to see Garrett again and that we are an eternal family has been the biggest blessing and relief of the fear and grief I have felt over missing this sweet little brother of mine. 

Then there have been other types of “Fear” in my life.  Going to Haunted Houses and screaming with my friends, bungee jumping off a 400 ft. cliff in Mexico, starting 6th grade in a middle school with lockers and brand new friends, competing at a national swim meet, and waiting for test results to come back to find out if I had cancer or not. 

The amazing thing about fear, I have discovered, sometimes the fear just doesn’t come.  You think it should come and you’re waiting for it, but you never feel it.  I remember distinctively feeling that way after I was diagnosed with cancer.  Before I was diagnosed and I was waiting for my test results, I felt fear that I would have cancer.  Once I was actually told that I had cancer, the fear was gone.  I felt at peace and that I had to be strong to get through this and I had to be strong for the people around me.  I was scared that things would hurt, I was scared how I would feel, but I was never fearful that I wouldn’t make it and never fearful that I couldn’t fight the disease. 

Fear is a funny emotion.  And I think I felt uncertain and emotional the other day when I listened to this song because I was feeling some new “feelings” that I haven’t felt for a while.  I didn’t know really what to think of them and I have been scared of getting let down and things being one sided.  Since it has been a few days, I’ve realized it wasn’t fear but more anxiety from the uncertainty!  I feel like I’ve been more in check of my emotions lately and being able to step back and really see how I’m feeling and where these emotions are coming from instead of jumping to the first conclusion.  I’m really grateful this song has led me on this journey to discover what fear really means to me.  Now, I hope you enjoy this song as much as I have!: